Babysitting

I'm not sure how much I've shared with you all about babysitting. I have a huge backlog of draft posts and I'm never sure what I've published. I'm sure I mentioned that we are trying to ease Katie into the idea of someone else taking care of her for short periods. We had some great successes with Anthony putting her to bed (mental note: we should try that again soon, before she forgets and we have to start all over).

But we need to take the next step, and let a real babysitter watch Katie. I got a recommendation from another mom at Katie's school, and I met with her last week. She was really nice, and clearly great with kids. Katie seemed to take to her right away. She's a student at the local community college, and she lives close by. All good things. But...there were some red flags. And since I'm brand-new to this, and tend to over-think all this parenting stuff, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. See what you think.

There were really only two complaints I had about this sitter. Firstly, and I'm not sure how to put this kindly, she didn't seem overly bright. Friendly, sweet, nice, yes! But not too sharp. We almost had a big mix-up via text, because she told me she could meet Friday morning, but not before 2pm. Huh?? Took a couple tries to straighten that one out. When we met, she read Katie one of Katie's favorite books, and I could tell there were some pages she just didn't understand right away. I was kind of shocked. I don't think Katie noticed, but it made me wonder if it's safe to leave my child with this person.

The other complaint is that her childcare philosophy doesn't seem to be in line with mine. Ever since we joined Katie's co-op preschool, I've had a whole new outlook on parenting. I've been devouring parenting books like there's no tomorrow. I really believe in Positive Discipline and many of the other philosophies I've been learning. For example, I now know not to label my child as "pretty" or "smart" or "shy" or anything else - even positive labels can be destructive. The first thing this sitter did with Katie was quiz her on all her colors, and then tell her "You are so SMART!" What if Katie had missed one? Would she not be smart?

On the other hand, naming colors can be a fun game. Katie loves to talk about colors. But there was something in the way this sitter did it that made me uncomfortable. Usually when I talk to Katie about colors, it's to ask "Would you like to play with green play-doh, or purple?" Or we sing a song about the rainbow that we heard on Toddler Radio. Or she tells me which colors she wants to paint with. Or I make some really lame-sounding comment about the colors she used in her artwork, like "I see you made the blue paint go round and round!" I guess what I'm saying is, the more I read in these books, the less comfortable I am with quizzing Katie on anything. I do sometimes ask her if she sees a particular object (like a flag, her favorite) in the pages of her books, but somehow that feels OK. It's more like, "Oh wow, is there a flag on this page?" And she says "Yesh!" and points to it. I don't say "Good job, you're so smart" if she gets it right, I just celebrate with her that she found something she likes: "You found an American flag!"

The point is, I feel like I just barely learned some of these things in time, and there are many I wish I'd learned sooner. I am far from being a perfect parent, but it feels really good when I use the new tools I've learned. I feel relieved, like I've maybe saved Katie half of a future therapy session. Over time those are gonna add up! So it's really hard for me to think of leaving Katie with someone who will, in essence, parent the way I would have before I learned more about it. What will this sitter do if Katie seriously misbehaves? Will she yell at her? Scold her? Put her in time-out? (Not to say time-out is bad, but at this age I'm not using it yet, and I might not ever.) How much does the sitter understand about what makes a 2 year old tick? This has saved me untold aggravation - simply understanding more about Katie's capabilities at this age.

And, moreover, will the sitter understand if I try to explain any of this?

Maybe I need to sit down with her and briefly explain our house rules. I was thinking about this earlier today - that we don't have any official "house rules" and it's probably time we did. I remember Teacher Donna talking about her own personal rules for when to discipline her daughter and when to just let it go. It was something like: Health, Personal Safety, Safety of others, Safety of property. There was a fifth one, I can't remember it. So basically if what the child is doing doesn't jeopardize any of those things, then it's OK to look the other way. 

So when Katie wants to wash her tea set in the bathroom sink, getting water everywhere and her clothing soaked, I ask myself: is her health at risk? Her safety? My safety? The house? And the answer is, No, as long as I make sure she doesn't soak the hallway carpet, and that she doesn't slip and fall. A few splashes is OK though, and so is a change of clothes. Our bathroom floor is actually cleaner than ever because of all the times I've had to mop it up recently. :)

I actually talked to Teacher Donna about this in a conference last week. She said that it might be hard to find someone whose parenting style is exactly like mine. I accept that. She also said that a couple of hours a week won't undo the work I've been doing. I hope that's true. Unfortunately, I have a pretty early memory of a babysitter who made fun of me once, and that doesn't make me feel too confident. Sigh.

Sorry for the rambling post, folks, but thanks for letting me get all that off my chest! Next time: Stalking other kids' nannies in hopes that they're looking for a few extra hours a week of babysitting work!

Practice makes awesome!

Last night went so much better than the night before! We did the same thing - I said good-bye to Katie right after dinner, and she waved and watched my car pull away. No tears! Dada gave her a bath and they played together in her room. (And, if truth be told, he showed her a LOT of Sesame Street videos on his phone.) My seminar was super lame, so I came home half an hour early. When I opened the door, the whole house was dark and quiet. Where are they? I wondered. It was 8:45, and Katie's bedtime is 8:00. I tiptoed into the den to see if they were both asleep on the couch. They weren't. Then I heard Katie's voice coming from her room, saying something about Lambie. I heard Dada sing her lullaby and put her in her crib. I figured she'd woken up crying and that he went in to comfort her. Not so! Turns out he was just putting her down for the first time at 8:45! LOL. I think maybe dads have a slightly more lax sense of time than moms. But no biggie - the main thing is, Katie went to sleep without a single tear! This time she KNEW Mama was coming back. HOORAY!!!! (And the reason I know this is, when I went to get her this morning, she said with delight, "Mama's home!")

So I think we are making incredible strides. I'm so pleased, and relieved. Today I had to go to the doctor to have the "1-hour glucose" test for gestational diabetes. Which means I had to go in, drink a disgusting sweet drink, and come back to have my blood drawn precisely 1 hour later. Since the doctor is only about 10 minutes from our house, I decided to drive back home in between. The first time I left, we did the routine where Katie waves bye-bye as I drive away. When I went back for the blood draw, she said "Bye Mama" without even looking up from her Play-doh. Great strides, I tell ya!

Too bad my seminar was so lame. There were several red flags, right from the beginning. Firstly, the lecturer told us she had copies of her book for sale, right off the bat, practically before she even introduced herself. Secondly, she said that parenting books for specific ages aren't that helpful - that you don't have to re-learn parenting for every stage of your child's life. I couldn't disagree more - some of the most helpful books I've read are age-specific. Thirdly, the lecturer said that she was looking over her lecture notes and she realized that the tips she was going to talk about really apply to ALL children, not just "spirited" ones. Umm, What? Then why did you call the lecture "Raising a Spirited Child," if it  was just going to be a lecture on "Raising Any Old Child?" Grr. That third red flag should have been my signal to get up and leave.

The lecture turned out to have three parts. For the first part, she read a list of traits of Spirited Children, which she totally ripped off from the book "Raising Your Spirited Child." (Although she did give them credit at the bottom.) It was mildly entertaining to see from the nodding heads of other parents, which particular traits drive us the most crazy. The second part was focused on "Ways to Help Your Child," which I found utterly useless. There were nine points on that list, and they were all common-sense, basic parenting tips. Not one of them dealt with the promised "avoiding power struggles" or "improving cooperation." The third part was Q&A, and parents were asking questions about much older children than mine. And despite what the lecturer thinks, advice on what to do about an 8 year old is NOT that helpful to parents of toddlers. Age-specific advice IS important!

So I guess I could have ducked out earlier than I did. But I was determined to take away at least one nugget of information that would be helpful. I had to dig deep, but I came up with two. The first has nothing to do with "spirited" children, but it's something I come up against a lot. I have a hard time not telling people their kids are cute. I know, intellectually, that we're supposed to focus on inner strengths, but doggone it! Babies and toddlers are CUTE. Some of the kids at Katie's school just melt me with their sweet expressions and funny antics. And, out in the world, a fair number of people tell me Katie is cute. And I know I'm supposed to scowl or protest or something, but I just say "thanks" because I happen to agree. But anyway - the lecturer said that when people said her daughter was pretty, she'd just add "She's even prettier on the inside!" And I thought that sounded nicer than scowling. Of course, she didn't have any tips on how to keep my big mouth shut about other people's kids, so I'll just have to try to contain myself. :)

The second nugget was actually related to spirited children. The lecturer said that spirited children tend to be very perceptive, meaning they notice every detail around them to the point of distraction. That definitely sounds like Katie. So, the lecturer said, they might not be simply ignoring you when they're examining a piece of lint on the carpet while you're saying "Let's go, let's get in the car and go to the park!" They might genuinely not "hear" you. In other words, Katie's not deliberately trying to drive me crazy by not responding to my repeated requests to do something. I think I'm taking it personally because I vividly remember ignoring my mom when she'd call me - but I was doing it out of adolescent spite, not distraction. The bottom line: if I want Katie to do something, I'm probably going to have to get down to her level and make eye contact. Which is what I do anyway, but now I'm going to cut out the part where I tell her 10,000 times from across the room first.

Anyway, the lecture may have been a bust, but Dada's success in putting Katie down was so worth it. I am so proud of both of them!

Last night's debrief

Last night went pretty much as I'd predicted. On the plus side, Katie waved bye-bye and watched my car pull away, so she knew what was going on and didn't cry. She and Dada had a really nice evening, including bath and playtime. I'm really glad they got to spend some time together without me - Katie gets such different (and excellent) parenting from him. I love watching how they interact because it's so different from her relationship with me. And my gut tells me that the differences are hugely important to her emotional and social development.

Another plus is that I had a wonderful time at Parent Night (aside from some social awkwardness.) The topic was Emotional Intelligence. Teacher Donna just got back from a weekend teacher's conference and she was just bursting with wonderful things to tell us. The main thing I took away from her talk was that language is the way to encourage your child to use his/her cerebral cortex (the "thinking" part of the brain) to express his/her emotions, rather than just operating from the limbic system or the brain stem (more primal reactions.) Giving names to feelings is hugely important to a young child. I've been working on this extensively with Katie, and although we're nowhere close yet, I'm looking forward to the day when she can say "Katie angry!" rather than just screaming and throwing a tantrum.

I also learned that activities that "cross the midline," like painting in broad strokes, or anything that requires the child to reach across her body, help to organize the brain. Truthfully, I don't know exactly what "organize the brain" means, but doesn't it sound great? I also learned that swinging on a swing has a similar function - that it organizes the brain in another way. Teacher Donna says that kids know instinctively what their brains need to work on, and their interests reflect that. That's why it's so interesting to watch what they do at preschool - it gives us clues to what might be happening in their development. Are they working on running or jumping? Pedaling a tricycle? Picking up tiny objects with their fingers? All of these are tied to specific developmental milestones. I wish I knew more about it - it's fascinating.

So I guess it's no surprise that Katie is suddenly SUPER into swinging. Ever since she was a newborn, she would tolerate a swing for maybe 30 seconds to a minute, tops. She just wasn't a swinging fan. Later on, at around 18 months, she'd ask to swing at the park, but still want to get down after a minute or so. Then about a month ago she suddenly decided that swings are awesome. We've had marathon swinging sessions lately. I have to drag her off them! So maybe her brain just needs some swinging organization right now. How cool is that??

The other thing I took away from Parent Night was a sudden realization that Katie really does understand on some level that her position as "Only Child" is about to be usurped. I have no other way to explain her behavior lately. There have been a lot more tantrums, seemingly over nothing. There have also been a lot more spontaneous hugs - which I am loving! More night waking, too, which I am not loving, but I still feel good about comforting Katie when she wakes up screaming. I thought all this was maybe due to her molars finally coming in, but after having talked to the other moms (75% of whom have an older child as well as one Katie's age) I really think she's acting out because of the new baby. (Besides, I've yet to see any sign of a tooth erupting!)

But anyway - back to last night. Katie and Dada had a good time, and I had a good time too. Everything went great until Dada tried to put Katie to bed. I was wrong, he was able to get the sleep sack on with the assistance of a second bottle. (I'd made him four bottles in advance, just in case! lol) He did the entire usual bedtime routine, but when he put Katie in her crib, she started to whimper. Then she started to howl. 45 minutes of howling later, she finally fell asleep. OMG. I definitely think he did the right thing in letting her cry, because we've already learned that going back in her room makes things worse. But how awful for both of them! My poor baby, and my poor husband having to listen to his precious darling cry, and not being able to give her what she wanted. Torture.

When I got home at around 9:20, Katie had been asleep for about 15 minutes. I'd promised her when I left that I'd come in and say goodnight, so I did. I felt like I was breaking some taboo, sneaking into her room when she was asleep. We *never* do that, ever ever ever! I can only think of two times we woke her up - once when we had to take her to the hospital for a procedure, and once when we thought she'd stopped breathing. (She hadn't, of course, and she was pretty perplexed to see us standing over her.) So it was a rare treat, actually, to see her sleeping. We often wonder how she sleeps - whether she uses Lambie for a pillow, whether she stays on her back or rolls over, etc. Last night she was on her side, kind of leaning towards her front. She was still sniffling a little, poor angel. I told her "Good night, sweet Katie, Mama's home now. I love you, darling." I rubbed her back very lightly. She didn't wake up, but I hope on some level it registered.

This morning she slept a few minutes late, so I was already awake and able to go right to her room when she woke up. When I opened her door, she said, "Mama!" in a voice that sounded half amazed, half relieved. It sounded like, "You DID come back after all!" And I hugged her and kissed her and told her that Mama always comes back.

And I hope she remembers that, because tonight I have a seminar to attend, so we're doing it all over again. Gah. But honestly, the seminar is called "Raising a Spirited Child." Here's the description:

Understand children who are persistent and intense and who want to have a lot of control. Learn how to avoid power struggles and improve communication and cooperation particularly effective for strong-willed children.

Don't you think I HAVE to go to this one??? LOL!

Wish us luck and a smoother, tear-free bedtime!

Bedtime practice

Tonight's the night. Tonight I am going to kiss Katie good-bye right after dinner, and Dada is going to give her a bath and put her to bed. I am going to a mandatory parent meeting for our co-op preschool.

Part of me is nervous about this. The worst-case scenario would be that Katie cries for the entire 2 1/2 hours I'm gone. Probably won't happen - Dada is great at entertaining her. Second-to-worst-case scenario is that she cries a little when I leave, pulls herself together for some length of time, then loses it again when she realizes I won't be there to put her to bed. I have a feeling this scenario is pretty likely. She'll probably make it through bath and bottle, and maybe even pajamas - but I bet as soon as Dada tries to put on her sleep sack, she'll lose it.

Sigh. Well, we'll see. I'm giving myself periodic pep-talks today. I'm telling myself that leaving Katie alone with Dada is an important vote of confidence - it says to Katie that I know she'll be OK without me, and that she can handle the uncertainty of me being gone.

Furthermore, *someone* is going to have to put Katie to bed while I'm at the hospital giving birth and recovering from birth. I hope I won't have to stay long, but you never know. I dread this part so much. I am actually looking forward to labor (sorta!) and I'm so excited to finally hold our new little one. But I can't stand the idea of being away from Katie. It makes me wish she were a few years older. If she were, say, 5 years old, I think she'd understand that I'll only be gone a short time, and that no matter what, I am coming back. At 2 1/2, I'm not very confident that she can grasp those concepts.

So we're practicing, starting with Dada and working up to a babysitter. I am still searching for said babysitter. I got a recommendation from a mom at school, but we didn't really hit it off over the phone. I keep telling myself that only Katie has to like the sitter, not me! But it's really hard. I want to leave Katie with someone that I think is awesome. But - only one way to find out if this sitter is going to work, and that's to meet her in person and see if Katie takes to her.

When I think back to my pregnancy, labor and delivery with Katie, I realize now how easy it was. We didn't have to make any arrangements besides packing a bag and making sure the carseat was installed. (Carseat!! Ack! Gotta remember to buy another one!) We stayed an extra day in the hospital because we were too freaked out to take our tiny baby home with us (what will we DO with her??!!) This time around, there's so much more to worry about.

BUT - baby steps! Let's get tonight out of the way first. We started talking to Katie about it last night, telling her that Dada will be putting her to bed tonight. This morning we told her again, that tonight is Dada and Katie's extra-special fun night. I told her when I put her down for nap, that Dada would be putting her down tonight but that I'd come in and say goodnight after she was asleep. (This was a suggestion from a fellow mom at school.) I'm going to get everything ready so poor Dada isn't overwhelmed (making bottles ahead of time, filling up the vaporizer, making sure Katie's room is clean and sleep-ready, etc.) Cross your fingers for us!!

Resolutions revisited

I think it's high time I revisited my new year's resolutions to see how I'm doing. Let's find out!

1) Quit playing Tiny Tower. Done! I quit playing Smurfs' Village, too. Thank goodness.

2) Improve evening time with Anthony. Hmm. I can't say I've done this. We are both still really tired in the evening, and lately he's been bringing work home with him. Poor guy. I know I'm not supposed to say this, but I loathe his job. I wish he had a job he liked more, and that didn't expect him to put in all sorts of crazy extra hours for no extra pay.

3) Date night once a month. Oh boy. I'm sure you can guess from #2 above that this isn't happening. As it turns out, my mom has been no help whatsoever, so that's our excuse. (By the way, given recent events, we decided that Anthony's mom isn't the least bit crazy compared to my mom. So now it's "Grandma" and "Crazy Grandma." It makes things simpler.)

4) Get a massage once a week until my credits are used up. Well, I went once. Two things are complicating this: one, Crazy Grandma has not been watching Katie as promised; two, I now have to get special "prenatal" massages, which means there are a lot fewer appointments available. I had to book the one massage I got two weeks out, because there were no massage therapists available. However, I did freeze my membership for 6 months, so at least I won't be accruing more massages. Then, I can unfreeze for 1 month and then repeat. Thank goodness.

5) Eat more vegetables. I did okay with this for a month or two, but now I've fallen back off the wagon. But, I did find a nice recipe for spinach, so that's a plus. Once the farmer's market opens again, it will be a bit easier too.

6) Cultivate new friendships. I did this! I went on a playdate, and just yesterday got asked on a reciprocal playdate! Woohoo! This is definitely an ongoing effort, though.

7) Find 3 new recipes for the rotation. So far, Thai Chicken has made the list. So has Red Beans & Rice. So I guess I'm still one short. Unfortunately, I've also tossed a couple of recipes out of the rotation because I'm so sick of them. So, I still need more. But good for me for finding two so far!

8) Wean Katie from the bottle. Well, we're now 100% bottle-free in the car, and the transition wasn't that bad. I love the fact that we can now make more than one stop when we run errands, without worrying whether we have enough bottles! So yay there. I've also put away the big 8-oz bottles and only kept the 4-oz. She still gets three a day, upon waking up from sleep and nap, and on going to bed. I've told her that soon we won't be using bottles anymore, because she can drink from a real cup and doesn't need them. I'm hoping I can make it happen within the next 2 weeks. I think it's a "just do it" kind of task, and I just need to muster my strength and stamina for it.

9) Finish potty training before the baby comes. I've rethought this. I think it's best not to hold Katie to a deadline. She does so many potty-related things independently already. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before the rest falls into place. I will still continue to do small things to encourage independence. I'll continue to offer big girl undies, even though she flat-out refuses them now. Someday the lure of butterflies and flowers and Hello Kitty has to win out over diapers.

So, all in all, not too bad! Gotta keep working on some of them, especially the date night one. Good things are on the horizon there, so stay tuned!

Katie-isms

Well, I've finally got a Katie-ism that tops "Dada clean it poo-poo rug!" Oh, I haven't told you about that? Well, that's probably because it's kind of hard to explain without really grossing everyone out. It was several months ago, shortly after we'd bought the Little Green Steam Cleaner. Suffice it to say there was a small "accident" on the rug, and that Dada had the unenviable task of taking care of it. The worst part, I believe, was having to hear about it several times a day for the next few months. Sometimes it would be the first thing out of Katie's mouth in the morning. Or the last thing she'd say at night. We'd hear through the baby monitor: "Good night, sidewalk! Good night, gardeners! Good night, garbage men! Dada clean it poo-poo rug!" It got to the point where Anthony would tell her, laughing, "You know, Dada can do other things besides cleaning the poo-poo rug!"

I've actually been meaning to blog about Katie's little phrases and sayings for some time now. It's because I'm lazy and have STILL not started Katie's baby book. In all honesty, I haven't even purchased said baby book. I'm basically going to print this blog one day, stuff it in a folder, and call it a day. So that's why I occasionally bore you all silly with cute stuff Katie's doing.

Lately I've noticed that Katie has stopped saying some of her cute baby versions of words. She no longer says "acrobat" when she means "apricot." She's figured out the difference between "checkup" and "ketchup." (We had a good run with that one, after she got a doctor's kit for Christmas.) She's figured out how to say "Oski Bear" properly. (We had a lot of fun with "Oxy Bear Ketchup," as Oski is one of her favorite patients.) She no longer calls an "escalator" a "calculator." (That was one of my favorites.)

Anyway - Katie calls 'em like she sees 'em. And now that she's starting to string more and more words together, things are getting pretty interesting. Today, as I was putting her in a shopping cart seat, she announced to the world that "Mama pee-pee in-a da cup! Give it da nurse!" OMG. Yes, Katie has come with me for nearly all of my prenatal checkups. They really only do five things: check weight, blood pressure (which, in my opinion, they should check BEFORE I see the number on the scale), a urine test, measure my belly, and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Katie watches everything with those big brown eyes that miss nothing. And then she talks about all of it, to anyone who will listen. And how can I argue with her? What she says is dead accurate - I *did* pee in a cup and give it to the nurse! LOL!!!!

Oh, one last Katie-ism. This one is from last summer. Around the time of the London Olympics, Katie started to get really interested in flags. A neighbor of ours hung up a huge Union Flag in honor of the Olympics, and Katie was obsessed with running over there and looking at it. Flags were suddenly everywhere. She's still absolutely enamored of them. One of her favorite topics of dinner conversation is to name all the flags she likes: "Big flag! Little flag! Bear flag! American flag! 49ers flag! Ca-for-nia flag!" (I haven't the heart to tell her that the California flag and the Bear flag are one and the same.)

But anyway, last summer, her pronunciation of the word "flag" was a bit less clear than it is now. One day we were in the checkout line at Trader Joe's. (I know, when are we NOT at Trader Joe's?) They had a huge American flag hanging at the end of the frozen food aisle. Katie had pointed it out whenever we walked past it. As we moved closer to the register, she suddenly got a good view of it again, pointed, and shouted "FAG!!!" as loudly as she could. The woman standing directly between Katie and her beloved flag looked utterly shocked. I blushed to the roots of my hair and said loudly, "Oh, yes, sweetie, a big American FLAG!!!!" And then I bought our items and ducked out of there as fast as I could.

Oh, Katie, what other fun things do you have in store for us? I truly, truly can't wait. You are so much fun!!!

Injury update

Just thought I'd put everyone's mind at ease - Katie's nose is not broken. In fact, it looks so much better today that I'm a little ashamed about my hysterics yesterday. Although, in fairness, it really did look awful. She is just a really fast healer. Thank goodness for that! Last night while we were giving her a bath, Dada did the "wiggle test" to see if her nose made any crunching or crackling sounds. It didn't. And, although she didn't like having that done, she didn't scream bloody murder, so I think that's a good sign too.

I was also super freaked out that the discharge coming out of her nose was CSF (cerebrospinal fluid). That's what I get for googling "how to tell if your nose is broken." Hypochondria and Google do not mix. Today it's really, really obvious that the fluid is just mucus - poor Katie came down with a cold on the same day as her epic journey down the stairs. Whee. Don't worry, though, the hypochondriac in me is still going to watch to make sure the nasal discharge resolves in the usual amount of time for colds.

So, she has a bruise on her shin, a bruise on her nose, and a pretty nasty cut under her bottom lip that's evidently pretty sore. Every time I try to wipe it, she throws a fit. And she has a doozy of a cold, complete with lots of sneezing and a ton of mucus. So she's understandably a little out of sorts. But other than that, she's scampering around like nothing happened. 

Kids are amazing!